This year's been full of trials concerning my health. In the beginning, I was hopeful. Then I wasn't so hopeful. Then I was back to self loathing. I had gained a lot of weight back because I wasn't sticking to my diet or able to go to the park as often to jalk. After my sprained my back and had to go to the ER for back spasms and learn that I couldn't get actual pain killers that did anything, THEN fight with my insurance to do their job, I was going to the park for short walks, but it wasn't enough.
I couldn't lay down on the floor for my usual leg and core exercises. I couldn't really do squats. I was limited to upper body and walking. Some low impact belly dancing. Some yoga. I do the yoga that I can to stretch my back.
Exercise wise, I've been doing what I can, without upsetting my back too much. Diet wise....eh...not nearly as strict as it used to be.
I got all depressed about the weight gain and my limits. The pain meds that I can take don't do shit. I can't afford to go to a chiropractor, a massage, or to a reiki master. I just hit a low point. I realized that I only loved myself when I was losing the weight. When I'd plateau or gain, I was back to loathing myself.
2020, I'm going to work on loving myself regardless of weight. I was able to turn myself from general pessimism to an optimist to battle my depression, why can't I change my thinking about my body? I've always been fat. I'm not saying that I'll stop working out and changing my diet to something healthier, because there are a lot health issues in my family. I have to give myself a fighting chance. Be healthier for my organs and my kids, not just to be slimmer. I can't rely on weight loss for self love.
For Yule, my husband got me some body positive affirmation cards by Kat Shaw, and I cried when I opened the package. I'm certainly going to utilize these tools for this project, to love myself however I look. To pursue mental health and body health.
Heal the mind, heal the body.
