Not bragging, just proud of myself. Never thought that I’d find myself in a size 22 again, and I’m still slimming down.
Like many people, I’ve always struggled with weight. From parents who’d often praise with sweets, then turn around and scold for being fat, definitely didn’t make it easier. Plus I had a low self esteem, depression, and anxiety, which had me often turning to junk food to ease the pain and self loathing. As the years ticked on, I tried various unsuccessful methods--exercises, diets, self help books, rituals...nothing worked. At least not for long.
Dave proposed to me on Yule 2009, and I was at my heaviest at 350lbs. Through P90x, fiance’s support, weightloss and water pills, and some sort of diet, by October 2010, I was down to 300lbs, and was actually a little smaller than my wedding gown! But, like before, it didn’t last.
In 2012, with my pregnancy with Wolfman, I had gestational diabetes, and discovered that low carb really helped me drop those pounds. But again, once baby was out, I was back to my usual diet, since I didn’t have GD anymore.
2014, my pregnancy with Warrior--GD again--I did a lot better with my low carb diet. It was easier and I was stricter for him. But again, once Vinny was out, I was mostly back to my bad eating habits. Not quite as bad, but not too good either. (no diabetes)
In September 2016, after a sweet binge, I fainted the next morning and it scared the crap out of me. Dave and I started going to the gym regularly after that. But my diet wasn’t super great. My discipline was severely lacking. In December, after another binge, I fainted the next morning after standing up quickly, like before. Only this time when I fainted, I had problems breathing. Scared the hell out of me. Being a SAHM, I couldn’t risk that sort of thing happening again while I was home alone with the kids, so I got serious about my health.
It was a slow and difficult process, getting serious about low carb. I faltered many times, but refused to quit. I made a list of all of the foods that gave me problems and decided to avoid them. I began to pay attention to things like salt. Knowing that my brother has celiac disease and that it’s hereditary, I began to pay attention to how I felt when I ate gluten, and went from there.
Daily Carb Intake (give or take):
Breakfast- 30 carbs
AM Snack- 30 carbs
Lunch- 60 carbs
PM Snack- 30 carbs
Dinner- 60 carbs
Bedtime Snack- 30 carbs
= 240
A lot of math and measuring goes into my meal planning. Can’t have a coffee and a donut at the same time, or even milk and some breakfast treat. Gotta pick one or the other. And a lot of breakfast treats are just LOADED. Then again, a lot of delicious food is loaded. (“Let’s Eat” by Macklmore)
I’ve gotten myself to the thought of, if it makes me feel bad, DON’T FREAKIN EAT IT! Also, if I’m going to eat, I want it count--I want it to be filling and tasty. Oreos might satisfy the tastebuds, but not the stomach. If I eat two oreos--that’s 10 carbs, give or take on the type. A cup of milk is about 12 carbs. I’m still hungry, and I don’t have a lot of carbs left to spare. These days, I might have one oreo if I’m craving, but no milk. That way I can still have something tasty and filling. (Also, if I’m going to eat something carby, like a piece of fruit, I’d rather have good carbs and nutritious food. Food is fuel.)
These days, it takes me a 3 days to a week to finished a Venti Chai Latte or coffee--even if it’s sugar free. It takes me about 2 weeks to a month to finish a bar of hershey’s chocolate, whereas back in the day, shit, all in my belly in one sitting. I’m fine with that. Makes the treat that much sweeter. Just eat enough to satisfy the craving.
Nowadays, I can taste the chemicals and preservatives in some of my old favorite foods, and it’s not something I want to choke down. Don’t want those carbs! I’m eating less and less processed foods.
Going gluten-free, as of March 2018, I’ve had to read a lot of labels, which has made me also begin to go no processed foods. Lots of chemicals in popular foods, even in supposedly “healthy”/vegan/gluten free/low carb foods, too.
Pay attention to just what you’re putting in your bodies! Google some of those long, foreign words on food package labels. You’d be surprised at what companies get away with.
I may not go to the gym like I used to, but I’m still working out 3-5 times a week. Before, Dave and I would go to the gym a few times a month, and I’d just be on the bike, building up my endurance. Then come summer 2017, and I started doing photo hikes at Highbanks Metro Park. I saw all of these people around me jogging and running, and I actually wanted to try it.
I have an ass! Never had one of those before! And muscle in my legs. It’s a great feeling! So new and different. I took advantage of one of the warm days in January, and went to Highbanks. I jogged further than ever! I was surprised and ecstatic. My home workouts are actually working!
It’s taken a lot of discipline and determination to get here. As of December 2016, I was at 320lbs. Now, at [October 2018 I'm at 270lbs], and still slimming. I take fewer and fewer cheat meals, because in the end, what’s the point? They only satisfy the taste buds, not your goals. For me, that’s not acceptable. It’s not worth it. If I’m going to cheat, it’s going to be really worth it!
Also there’s the scale. I only allow myself to glance at the scale once every 1-3 months. Weekly, it just gets in your head. The scale becomes your enemy--the numbers become your master. Too many times a scales broke my confidence and sent me back to my addictions. I refuse to become a slave to the numbers again. I focus on eating healthy and exercising (mostly jogging further!).
For the first time in my life, I’m actually healthy. My diet is still changing, like now I’m slowly becoming Gluten Free, and I’m making other adjustments, too. I feel great! Never thought I’d get to the point, I’m very thankful. Doing this takes a lot of self discipline and determination. A lot of work and effort. A lot of strength. Food--especially sugar--is addicting. Gotta break yourself of those bad habits and addictions and gets serious about your health. Find something to drive you. For me, it ultimately was my children. Being there for them, and wanting to be a good model for them, to hopefully become healthy kids and adults, mentally and physically.
My boys have been my anchors for a lot of things that I’ve worked hard to change over the years, from my world outlook to my anger issues to my depression and anxiety--mental and physical health. In all of the mental work that I’ve done, learning to love myself little by little, discovering more and more of my strength, I realized that I had to heal my mind, before I could heal my body.
Find something to drive you. Sometimes doing it for yourself just ain’t good enough, especially if you don’t have a good relationship with You. Through this long and hard healing journey, I’ve learned to love myself, and I have my family and support network to thank for that. Never thought I’d be where I am now.
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As of September 2018, I've learned that I don't have diabetes, but do have celiac disease and a mild iron deficiency (despite all of the iron rich foods that I eat, go figure).
I also have the confidence to take Belly Dancing classes! Me, a belly dancer? YES! And I love it!
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