Me?

The other day, someone called me an inspiration in regards to a weightloss support group.  It was surprising.  When I write I hope to inspire some people--really to get their brain cogs moving and thinking and growing.  Sharing progress in a weightloss group, I wasn't expecting that compliment. 

I struggled for years with weight, like many do.  Then in 2016, after fainting twice, I decided to get serious about my health.  I started eating low carb and exercising.  It was slow and difficult at first, but I kept at it.  Remembering my goals and the whos.  Who I was doing this for.  Myself and my family.  I began to dedicate certain things to the Gods on days that I wasn't feeling it.  It was motivation having exercise be devotional work.  Exercising with Them on my mind. 

Over time, I began to work on my diet, slimming it down, avoiding foods that make me sick, learning that I have celiac disease.  Learning that I thankfully don't have diabetes!

When it was too cold to jog at the park, I created home routines. 

When I wasn't able to escape home and the kids, I pushed harder at home. 

When my normal routines got boring, I introduced dance.  Zumba.  Belly Dancing.  Recently ballet.

Created workout regimes: Fat Burning, Muscle Building, Technique Perfecting.

On school days, I race my son to and from the bus stop.  While waiting for his bus, morning/afternoon, I'm that weirdo who's moving, stretching, exercising, or dancing.  Even in the cold.  Normally, I wouldn't move, but movement warms up the muscles and chases away the cold!  Might as well do something healthy and warming while you're waiting for 5-15 minutes, right?

A lot people claim that they don't have time to exercise and would rather be on their phones.  You can make the time.  10-15 minutes a day.  Take stairs, instead of the elevator.  Jog instead of walking.  I'll jog in my flats and a dress, as long as it's not slippery.  Dance in the kitchen while you're cooking!

Make time.  Put forth the effort. 

On days when I'm not in the mood to exercise, I do try to at least stretch.  Do a bit of yoga.  Keep my muscles from stiffing up. 

"You're an inspiration."

I'm just doing what's necessary.  I want to be healthy and happy.  Exercise and self love.  Heal your mind, heal your body, heal your mind. 

I realized something in this conversation the other day.  I realized that growing up I was a little overweight, but I was never too fat to do anything.  The adults in my life were were lazy.  It was easier for them to say that I was fat and lazy than to help me try.  I got a lot of that from my mom.  She always fat shamed me...even thought I wasn't that fat.  She'd shame, then overfeed with junk, then shame.  It was constant.  Shame.  "Are you hungry?"  Shame.

When I was little, I wanted to be a ballerina.  But I was always told that I was too fat and lazy, what this meant was that they didn't want to pay for/take me to classes.  My brother was spoiled.  They spent money on his sport interests.  They were disappointed that I didn't want to go into basketball, as everyone urged.  I had no interest in basketball.  I wanted to be a dancer. 

I was an active child.  I spent my summers swimming and was outside hiking, exploring, riding my bike, running with my friends, and playing.  I was an active child.  Not slim.  I had some rolls, but I was very active.  Looking at my pictures, I wasn't fat. 

Over time, their laziness and my naivety in believing them, ate at me.  Lowered my self esteem, and made me "lazy".  I had no faith in myself, because they never encouraged me. 

I tried martial arts for a little bit, but it didn't stick.  I wanted to dance. 

"You're too fat."

Then I wanted to go into the air force, but learned that I was too tall.

I wanted to be a cop. 

My family said that I was too lazy, despite that I worked hard to drop weight.  Without encouragement, I lost faith and interest.  Depression readjusted its grip on me. 

Probably a good thing, as I wonder if I was just going into those fields because it was expected?  Because I wanted family approval.  In my family, if you weren't an athlete, in the military, or a cop, you didn't matter.  You weren't worthy.  I guess dance wasn't considered a sport.  I retreated into art...and eventually lost faith in myself as an artist, too. 

Now, it's a different story.  I'm a different me.  I have faith in myself as an artist, and as one, I have faith to start my own photography business: Fox Torch Photography. 

I'm 34-years-old, 270lbs, and guess what?  I'm dancing!  Belly dancing.  I've begun ballet, too.  Eventually, when we can afford it, I'm going to take classes. 

No one's going to tell me that I can't.  That I'm too fat and too lazy.  Even if they do, doesn't matter to me, because I know what I'm capable of.  I know that behind their insults, they have a lot of healing to do.  I am strong and I see that now.  I love myself, too, and have the support of t/Those who matter.