I woke up feeling defeated and off.
Stupid hormones. Stupid period.
This dream's stuck with me all night. I've been looking at my husband, and honestly can't imagine him leaving like that. I do my best to make him feel appreciated, although I could do better...and vice versa.
Then I started looking at myself. Who he was in the dream was me. Old me. The bitchy pessimistic me. The easily frustrated, hot headed, pity party me.
Today, in a group, we were talking about weightloss, and I was talking about things that keep me going. There are days when I feel like giving up and doing nothing. Days when I just throw myself a pity party. When I sit there and feel fat. Look down at my rolls and ugly lumps and just wish that I could cut it off.
Then a voice that used to be quiet would whisper, if you sit here, nothing will change. If you sit and mope, you won't reach your goals. Get up and move. Even if it's just a little. Get off your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get. Up.
It was quiet, and now it's quite loud.
"You take your obstacle, and you make your obstacle your reason for succeeding." - Some dude on Netflix's Strong.
My husband and I have just started watching this show, as I was working on this post. How fitting. Serendipity, I guess. But it's fitness instructors and trainers being paired with average women for a competition. To transform physically and mentally.
Any who, now when the self pity tries to bring me down, I grab onto it, get up, and start climbing up that mountain. I get up and move. I turn that negativity into fuel.
I'm doing this to get healthier. I'm doing this to show my demons that yes I can. To show myself I can. I've struggled for years with my weight and self love, and I'm a different person now. I used to have 0 motivation. Used to be super lazy and a slave to my tastebuds and sugar addiction. I still have my weak days, but not as many as I used to. I'm growing, slowly but surely. That old me in that dream--that demon took the form of my husband and used his image to try and break me. I woke up feeling defeated. Like I messed up. It was my fault.
I didn't. The demon was the one who wasn't trying. I was trying to talk and work things out. I was trying to be calm and find the solutions. They threw in the towel and became the baby. They left. They tried to bring me down, like always. It worked for a little bit in the dreamscape and when I woke up, but bitch, I'm still good. I saw your tricks and they will not win. I'm strong. I've overcome so much in my life, and the big thing has been me. I've overcome myself so many times. I just keep persevering because I have to. I can't give up, I have to keep pushing through. One of my strongest chakras and my Solar Chakra--Will Power. I do have strong Will Power, and since 2016, I've been learning how to harness and wield that power. To keep changing my life in positive ways.
It's not just exercise and dieting, it's not just learning how to jog and to dance, it's other things, like seeing myself as the artist that I am. To own my photography skills. To start my own photography business. I don't know what the future holds, and I'm sure I'm going to struggle against anxiety during this journey, but ok. Let's do it. A mental workout. Mental health.
The Gods have faith in me. They keep telling me to push through. To fuckin do it. You are stronger than you believe. You have come through so much. You can do this. Don't stand in your way. Push through the fear and the pain.
Use it.
So I just channeled a little bit there, :-). One of Them came through, I closed my eyes, overcome with emotion, and my fingers typed.
I used to be Miss I Can't. Now I'm Mrs I Can't Right Now, I Gotta Keep Working. It feels good. Feels great. I'm in a very good place right now, and I'm determined to keep going upwards.
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